---
type: domain
dependency: ''
start: ''
status: designed
objective: worship well
sidebar_label: Managing spouse
---

# Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

* **General Conditions** (from Umar ibn Abdul Aziz)
	* Kindness
	* Commitment
	* Forgiveness
	* Compatibility
	* Shared goals
* **Conditions Specific to Women**
	* As per the famous hadith, it is advised to choose a woman for her religiosity; other desirable characteristics, like beauty, wealth, and status, are also favorable but secondary.
	* Characteristics for a good marriage (from Al-Ghazali):
		* Religiosity
		* Good character
		* Beauty
		* Reasonable dowry
		* Virginity
		* Fertility
		* Good lineage (from a pious Muslim family)
		* Absence of close kinship

# Obligations towards the Spouse

## Obligations of the Man towards the Woman

* Fulfill her marriage conditions.
* Allow her to have a job and pursue education if possible.
* Permit her to use her money as she wishes.
* Provide for her ([nafaqa](Processes/spend%20generously.md)) by supplying clothes, food, and shelter with excellence; she should have her own independent property (e.g., her own room if a separate house is unavailable).
* Take care of your hygiene and appearance for her.
* If disobedient, follow this process: [advise](Processes/Advice%20and%20admonishment.md) her, then avoid sharing the bed, then be firm, and if necessary, seek diplomacy through another person before considering divorce.

## Obligations of the Woman towards the Man

* Come to bed when called by her husband.
* Not leave the house without permission.
* Cover herself when leaving the house.
* Not allow anyone her husband disapproves of into the home.
* Show respect and obedience in non-sinful matters.
* Care for and nurture her husband and their children.

# Additional Considerations for a Good Relationship

* The Quran describes the spouse as a garment for the other, highlighting three qualities:
	* **Beautification** by [avoiding baseless assumptions](Processes/Avoid%20baseless%20assumptions.md)
	* **Concealment** by [overlooking what is disliked](Processes/Overlook%20what%20is%20disliked.md)
	* **Protection** by [guarding honor, wealth, and life](Processes/Protect%20and%20don't%20harm%20honor,%20wealth%20and%20life.md)
* Treat each other well, enduring harm by showing patience (hilm) through [forgiving transgressions](Processes/Accept%20accusations%20or%20forgive%20transgressions%20against%20you.md).
* Resolve conflicts by [maintaining healthy interactions and arguments](Processes/Managing%20difference%20of%20opinion.md).
* [Engage in playfulness and lightheartedness](Processes/Love%20playfully%20and%20support.md) with each other without excessive jesting, which could reduce the husband's authority.
* Exhibit healthy jealousy—[give freedom but maintain healthy boundaries](Processes/Give%20the%20spouse%20freedom%20but%20have%20healthy%20jealousy.md).
* Exercise moderation in spending (not too extravagant nor stingy).
* Learn about important aspects related to the spouse, like menstruation rules.
* Treat multiple wives equally if applicable.
* [Observe proper intimacy etiquette](Processes/Observe%20sexual%20ettiquette.md).
* Maintain [trust](Processes/Honesty,%20Trust%20and%20figurative%20language.md) by respecting each other's privacy and not disclosing secrets.

# Improvement Advice Specific to Women

> [!note]
> 
> 
> Because I created processes only for men's obligations—to balance things out—I'm dedicating this section to women only.
> 


1. Emotional stability: Maintain a balanced temperament to foster a supportive environment.
2. Security: Develop reliance on Allah and a growth mindset.
3. Intellectual growth: Learn to stay intellectually connected with your spouse.
4. Avoiding problematic behaviors.
5. Practicing gratitude: The Prophet (ﷺ) warned against ingratitude in wives; strive to appreciate good actions and the efforts of your husband.

# Divorce Etiquette

* Initiate divorce after menses and before intercourse to minimize the waiting period.
* If uncertain, use a single pronouncement so you may take her back if desired.
* Show kindness by soothing her during the grieving process.
* Avoid disclosing her secrets.